You're showing love. They're not feeling it. The problem isn't effort, it's translation. This guide helps you understand how your partner actually receives love, and how to speak their language fluently.
Last updated: January 2026
Adults (18+) only. Based on Dr. Gary Chapman's framework, with practical additions.
You're doing the dishes every night. You think you're showing love. Your partner feels like a roommate.
Meanwhile, they keep buying you little gifts. You think, "I don't need more stuff." They feel rejected.
The problem isn't lack of love. It's a translation problem. You're both speaking, but in different languages. When you learn to speak your partner's language, even small gestures land differently.
This isn't about keeping score or performing love. It's about understanding what actually makes your partner feel loved, so your efforts connect.
What it means: Verbal expressions of love, appreciation, and encouragement. Compliments, "I love you," acknowledgment of what they do, and spoken support.
Signs this is their language:
How to speak it:
Pro tip: Be specific. "You're great" is nice. "The way you handled that situation with your mom showed so much patience, I really admired that" hits differently.
What it means: Doing things that make your partner's life easier. Actions that say "I see what you're carrying, and I want to help."
Signs this is their language:
How to speak it:
Pro tip: Pay attention to what stresses them out. Those are the acts of service that will mean the most. Doing dishes is nice; handling the thing that's been weighing on them is love.
What it means: Thoughtful gifts that show you were thinking of them. It's not about cost, it's about the thought, effort, and "you saw this and thought of me."
Signs this is their language:
How to speak it:
Pro tip: It's never about the price tag. A $5 item that shows you were listening to them means more than an expensive generic gift. The message is: "You were on my mind."
What it means: Undivided attention. Being fully present, not just physically in the same room. It's about focus, not just proximity.
Signs this is their language:
How to speak it:
Pro tip: Quality matters more than quantity. 20 minutes of full presence beats 3 hours of being in the same room while distracted. Make the time you have count.
What it means: Physical expressions of love: holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, sex, and casual touch throughout the day. For these people, physical connection communicates love directly.
Signs this is their language:
How to speak it:
Pro tip: Physical touch doesn't always mean sex. Many people with this love language crave non-sexual touch: cuddling, hand-holding, casual affection. Don't conflate the two.
For each pair, choose the option that makes you feel most loved. Go with your gut.
Scoring:
Count which category appears most. That's likely your primary language. The next most common is your secondary. Most people have 1-2 dominant languages.
Here's the truth: most couples have different primary love languages. That's normal. It's actually an opportunity.
Common mismatches and solutions:
The key: Speaking your partner's language doesn't come naturally, that's the point. It requires intention. But when you make the effort to love them in their language, not yours, they actually feel it.
Your love language isn't fixed. Life circumstances can shift what you need most:
Check in periodically. "What makes you feel loved right now?" isn't a one-time conversation.
Couples Flirt includes compatibility assessments that help you discover how you and your partner connect, including love languages and more.
Adults (18+) only. Private by design.
The 5 love languages, developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, are: (1) Words of Affirmation - verbal expressions of love and appreciation, (2) Acts of Service - doing helpful things for your partner, (3) Receiving Gifts - thoughtful presents that show you were thinking of them, (4) Quality Time - undivided, focused attention, and (5) Physical Touch - physical expressions of love like hugs, kisses, and holding hands.
To discover your love language: (1) Notice what makes you feel most loved and appreciated, (2) Pay attention to what you complain about or request from your partner, (3) Observe how you naturally express love to others, (4) Consider which of the 5 languages resonates most when you read about them. Most people have a primary and secondary love language.
Yes, love languages can shift based on life circumstances. Someone who valued Quality Time might prioritize Acts of Service after having children when they're exhausted. Stress, life stages, and personal growth can all influence which expressions of love feel most meaningful. Check in with yourself and your partner periodically.
Different love languages are normal and workable. The key is learning to "speak" your partner's language even if it doesn't come naturally. If your language is Physical Touch but theirs is Words of Affirmation, practice giving genuine verbal compliments. It may feel awkward at first, but it will make them feel loved in a way that truly registers.
According to research, Quality Time is the most commonly reported primary love language, followed by Words of Affirmation. However, this varies by demographic, culture, and individual. There's no "best" love language, what matters is understanding your specific partner's preferences.
Yes, love languages apply to all relationships: friendships, parent-child relationships, and family bonds. Understanding how the people in your life prefer to give and receive love can improve all your relationships, not just romantic ones.
We're building Couples Flirt to help committed partners understand each other better, with compatibility tools, prompts, and conversation starters built in.
Adults (18+) only. Private by design.