You've got thoughts you've never shared. Maybe you're worried they'll be judged, or you don't know how to bring them up. This guide helps you and your partner open up about fantasies in a way that feels safe, curious, and actually fun.
Last updated: January 2026
Adults (18+) only. This guide is about consensual exploration between partners.
Most people have sexual thoughts they've never told anyone. Research suggests that nearly everyone has fantasies, but very few couples discuss them openly.
The fear isn't irrational. You're risking vulnerability in one of the most sensitive areas of your relationship. What if they think you're weird? What if it changes how they see you? What if they feel inadequate?
But here's what usually happens: Couples who talk about fantasies report feeling closer, even when they don't act on them. The conversation itself builds intimacy. You're saying: "I trust you with the parts of me I hide from everyone else."
The goal isn't to do everything you talk about. It's to create a space where you can both be honest about desire.
Timing matters more than you think. The worst time to bring up fantasies is during sex or right before it. That creates pressure and can feel like a demand.
Good times to bring it up:
Signs it's not the right time:
The biggest mistake is treating this like a confession you need to get off your chest. That puts all the weight on your partner to react "correctly."
Instead, frame it as mutual exploration. Ask your partner first, or suggest exploring together.
Less effective: "I have to tell you something I've been thinking about..."
More effective: "I've been curious about what turns us on. Want to share fantasies sometime?"
Pro tip: Using a questionnaire or game removes some pressure by making it structured. You're both answering questions rather than one person confessing.
How you frame your fantasy affects how it lands. The goal is to share without creating pressure or making your partner feel inadequate.
Good framing:
Avoid:
When your partner shares, your reaction sets the tone for every future conversation. Even if you're surprised, lead with curiosity.
Good responses:
Responses that shut down openness:
Important: You don't have to be into it. You just have to respond with respect. "That's not really my thing, but I appreciate you sharing" is a perfectly fine response.
Many people hesitate to share fantasies because they worry their partner will think they're being asked to do something. Make the distinction clear.
Say it explicitly: "I'm not asking us to do this. I just wanted to share something I think about."
Some fantasies are better as thoughts. The taboo, the impossibility, or the imagination is part of what makes them exciting. Acting them out might not even be appealing.
Categories to discuss:
Opening the conversation:
Sharing a fantasy:
If your partner seems hesitant:
If your partner reacts negatively to your fantasy:
If you reacted badly to their fantasy:
If you're struggling to find common ground:
Research on sexual fantasies shows that most are remarkably common. Here are some frequently reported themes:
Having a fantasy doesn't mean you want to act on it in real life. The taboo or impossibility is often part of the appeal.
Couples Flirt includes a kink questionnaire where you each answer privately. You only see results where you both expressed interest, so there's no awkward mismatch.
Adults (18+) only. Private by design.
Start in a relaxed, non-sexual moment. Frame it as curiosity rather than a request: "I've been thinking about what turns us on. Want to share fantasies sometime?" Using a questionnaire or game can also reduce awkwardness by making it structured.
If your partner reacts negatively, give them time to process. Their initial reaction may not be their final one. You can say: "I'm not asking you to do this. I just wanted to share something I think about." If judgment persists, that's worth a deeper conversation about trust and openness.
You don't have to be into everything your partner shares. Thank them for being vulnerable, ask curious questions about what appeals to them, and be honest if it's not for you. "That's not something I'm into, but I appreciate you sharing" is a valid response.
No. Many fantasies are enjoyable as mental experiences and don't need to become reality. Some fantasies are better kept as thoughts, while others might be worth exploring. Discuss which category each falls into for both of you.
Not everyone has vivid sexual fantasies, and that's normal. You can share things you've enjoyed, things you're curious about, or simply ask your partner about theirs. Reading erotica or taking a couples questionnaire together can also help spark ideas.
We're building Couples Flirt to help committed partners explore their relationship safely, with compatibility tools, conversation starters, and features designed for real couples.
Adults (18+) only. Private by design.